Step One, Be Honest

Depression is usually an individual’s struggle.   First, you don’t realize what kind of funk you have slipped in to until it is too late.   I felt it coming, I knew I was slipping, but what could I do?   I admitted it.   I captured myself at the right time.  I didn’t allow myself to suffer long without asking for help.   I got to the doctor – not the right doctor, but a doctor, still.   I alerted my family.    I started asking for help.

By the time I made it to the right doctor, I was in a complete  “major depression episode bordering on crisis”.   The doctor upped my meds, and we discussed alternative meds and treatments.   He sent in for more tests and a doc that I could see on a more frequent basis.   We established what my medical situation was going to be, and outlined our plan of action.

I had already grabbed my “scripture flash cards” that I keep on hand to remind me of God’s unconditional love and guidance and His promises for an abundant life.   So, medical side covered, spiritual side covered, now what do I do about those graduation parties, birthday parties, weddings, dinners out, and school activities that were just way too much for me to attend.   What do I do about the friends who needed my advice, or prayers, or moral support?

I was tired of excuses.  I decided to be honest.  So, after thinking about it, I posted this on my facebook page.   I had no idea what I was going encounter, but I did it anyway:

Kristi Maas June 20 at 3:54pm · Riverside, CA ·

In my very matter of a fact tone: "Major Depression Episode" is what the psych doc thinks I am experiencing. I've been sitting on this for about 3 weeks, but it occurred to me that I haven't been active in anything, so I thought I would explain why. I very much wish it were a broken leg so that I could explain what is going on with me physiologically, but unless you've been there, you just don't know.

As sweetly as I can say this: If you want me to change my diet, increase my exercise, take a certain supplement, or read my Bible more, please don't tell me. I am under enough condemnation already from my own self. If you would like to bring me something healthy to eat, invite me to walk when its not 105 degrees outside, have a link or have a scripture for me, I would appreciate that.

I am relying on God and medicine to get me through. I've been through this before, I know the territory, and I will make it through again. I am waiting on Kaiser to see what kind of program they are going to put me in. If you have read this whole thing that means that you are my good friend, and I appreciate you and don't take for granted the good things and blessings God has given me.

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, then I was overwhelmed with the response.   I received responses within one minute of my post, and they just kept coming.  Still, four days later, I am still receiving great responses.   All because I was honest.

My spirits were lifted immediately.   Knowing that people were really looking out for me, and knowing that they understood why I couldn’t be the person I thought they expected me to be brought me such freedom.    The step of basically “shouting from the roof tops” was my breakthrough.  

After months of not wanting to go to church, I wanted to go, knowing that those who really cared about me would let me be anonymous without expecting anything from me.    A friend went to the grocery store for me, and I did not feel guilty about sending her.   Another friend came and colored my hair, and didn’t require me to talk.  I had the offer of a massage, lots of offers “to talk anytime,”  an offer to go stay with friends in another state, and someone offered to bring over food.

The response was humbling.  After all of these years of asking people to help at the church, I didn’t feel like I could ask for anything more.   I didn’t ask, they offered.    I took a few up on their offers.  I guess that’s another step I had to take.   I had to actually receive the help – help I had given over the past many years, but this time, I was on the receiving end.   Some might think that I was just elated and sat back and had a spa day, but the feelings of I didn’t deserve it came over me – I’m fighting those now.

I will share the lessons I have learned from this experience at another time, because I am still in the learning process.  This is what life is all about, taking the bad things and making something good come out of it.   That’s the God way of doing things.

(I Corinthians 10:13b)” …. But with the trial God will always also provide the way out – the means of escape to a landing place, so that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently.”