Are you aware that every thought has a chemistry with it? The thought "I need to finish my laundry" provides the chemistry to either a.) get up and go do it, or b.) sit and think about it. Usually for me, its "b. sit and think about it." That then generates more thoughts. Then my thoughts take off like a speeding bullet, "C'mon Kristi, move your butt, you are lazy." Which is self condemning and carries negative chemistry through the brain. This is how my brain works, its kind of a glass half empty brain.
Now that I've admitted that I have half a brain, I would like to qualify my statement. My brain immediately goes to the negative, especially when its about me. It is a learned response. How, when, or where I picked it up, I do not know. I am usually a very positive, cheerful person, but when it comes to myself, I am harder on me than anyone else could ever think to be.
Once the negative chemistry gets moving, its hard to stop. I heard somewhere that it takes seven (7) compliments to undo the damage of one (1) insult. I think it is double for me. A bunch of people could compliment me on what a great job I did with the food, but if one person says, "hey, I heard you ran out of bacon" that's all I can think about, I was a failure because we ran out of bacon. I wasn't even there. I set it up Saturday night and left it to my team for Sunday morning - Yet I felt it was my fault directly.
If this resonates in your mind, then you need to pay close attention. If it sounds absolutely absurd, you need to pay attention anyway, it might help someone else.
What are you telling yourself? The first step is to listen. At this very moment my boys are in the playroom playing video games when they should be getting ready for bed. Kristi's mind says, "bad mom, you are a failure because you have not sent those boys to the showers." Did I know that was going through my mind? No, not unless I thought about it. I just now have recently identified what I have been telling myself.
(taking a minute)
I have now instructed my children to go do what they are supposed to do. Do I congratulate myself? No, Kristi's mind says, "now you are going to fight with Jarrod about picking up after himself in the bathroom, and its going to tire you out." I immediately started getting a bad feeling in my stomach. I was over anticipating and telling myself something negative.
Arguing with a 14 year-old know-it-all boy is exhausting. Just when I think I have him back under my thumb, he comes up with a new argument. It is so draining that most of the time if I can, I let it slide. Kristi's brain says, "you're a bad mom, you back down too easily, you let those boys run all over you, bad mom!" Kristi's brain needs to say, "just pick your battles, and you will win the war. You have the strength to do so."
Now that Kristi's brain is full of negative chemistry, it starts getting depressed. I start to feel sick in the pit of my stomach. The stomach acid starts kicking in, and heart burn arises which causes pain in my back... and the shin bone connected to the knee bone .... My brain starts swimming in that half full glass of negativity, and before I know it, Kristi's brain is convinced that she is a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad person, and is worthless to humanity.
Don't identify? Good. Identify? I am so sorry. No one should live this way. That is why I am taking back my life, one thought at a time. So here I sit. What Kristi's brain wants to say is, "everyone is going to think I am crazy." But I catch myself and say, "by writing this it will help people to see themselves or see a loved one and it will help somebody, even if its my husband when he reads it."
No one knew this is how Kristi's brain worked. Kristi didn't know until recently. Now how many compliments am I going to have to think up to undo all of the insults I have been telling myself for 40 years? (I'm not searching for compliments, I'm just wondering.)
I think this is why God wants us to think on Him. He wants us to renew our minds daily, to take out the negative chemistry that is left from yesterday, throw it away, and start over. I have to do it with every thought right now, but soon it will only be once daily.
Philippians 4:8 (Amplified Bible)
For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].
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