I should be ecstatic, right?
Depression doesn't choose which days to hit, it just hits.
For those of you new to my blog, if you haven't read the back blogs, I encourage you to do so, because I really began the blog as a way to chronicle my depression.
For those of you who still haven't figured it out, Depression isn't a mind set - its a disorder. Chemicals and hormones in the brain don't produce and mesh right, and bad days come. I've had many people say, "just watch a funny movie to snap out of it!" Would you suggest that to a diabetic? After all, diabetes is merely chemicals and hormones not producing and meshing well.
I think today really proves my point. I should have been on cloud 9, because while I have been working at changing my eating habits, and exercising, and the proof was the loss of 5.5 pounds ... Jeff gained 3. Ha ha! His body is not accustomed to metabolizing the food we are eating - we will talk about Jeff and his weight in another post. This one is about me.
Feeling terrible, I had to let the day go by. This is why I am not in full time ministry. This is why I take so many medications. This is why I can't always make lunch dates. This is why I don't show up at church every time the doors open.
Wow, you weren't expecting this, were you.
Jerry Thronson has been working on the shower/tub in the master suite for over a week. Each morning we greet one another as I drag my butt out of bed and head downstairs so he can go to work in my room. We laugh throughout the day, go grab fast food for each other, he sees me working with the boys, and doing the laundry, you know regular stuff.
Today was different, and Jerry could tell. My children ignore me now, they've learned to live with it, Ethan knows nothing different. But Jerry kept asking me, "can I get you anything?" "Can I do anything for you?" "Do you need anything?" I said, "No, I just have the let this day go by."
Oh how I wish I didn't have to. Oh, how I wish I were my jovial self every day. Oh how I wish I had the energy. Fourteen years ago I didn't want to live, thank God today I do want to live, and live a very good life. I have the courage to fight, and fight today I did, by letting my day go by, and knowing tomorrow will be different.I wanted to share this day with you and this experience with you. I'd love to hear from those of you who suffer depression, and what you do on your days that you let go by.
Today was my day, I didn't enjoy it, I just lived it. Thank God I am alive.
I've commanded you to be brave and strong, haven't I? Don't be alarmed or terrified because the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 2
K
Kristi, So glad to read you're posts here again. I like to know how people get through the days that are dark and sometimes dreary. Occasionally, I would like to pop the snot out of those who have told me to "snap out of it". If it was that darn easy to do, I would not have to seek help. I just sleep more on those days. But, I can honestly say, I don't have those days often. Because I am wired to give of myself, I sometimes forget to give to me. I just heard of a term called "cave time"---it's when you go to your cave and spend some time on yourself. So, I have to remind myself to do this to take care of myself. When I do this, the depression is less. I have more to give to others. And I can one day finish this Masters degree.
ReplyDeleteThe last time I was really slammed by depression was toward the end of 2011. We were trying to deal with Phil's job layoffs, the creditors harassing us from 9:00 am-9:00 pm daily practically plus calling me at work. Getting threatening letters from the IRS did not help. I really tried finding God in all of this and I do believe He was there--I just didn't feel Him and I feel bad for saying that. I just think I took all I could handle. My sleep was almost non-existent, my anxiety was through the roof, and my depression was back. It didn't help too that I had to withdraw from LLU. You are only allowed to screw up once which I did when I took graduate stats. I retook it and passed, but I made a B- in Pathophysiology (missed getting a straight B by 5.6 points). Felt like a failure, but I don't anymore---just at the time I did. I had been seeing a wonderful NP all along and I asked her to help me with paperwork so I could go on temporary disability to get my head reattached. It was just what I needed and it helped. I still am on medications and I may always need to be. Big deal. They help me live normally and happily as possible. I have no grandiose ideas that I will have happy days all the time--but I deal with the ugly days as best as I can. That's all I can do and by the grace of God, I smile and take my next breath.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI let the go by.
Day care in Chennai