Musical Chairs - The Perpetual Victim

  I had an expert tell me that a "perpetual victim" (PV) has three seats, the first seat, obviously the victim's chair, when not occupying the victims chair, there are two other seats, the rescuer's chair and the perpetrator's chair - in other words, a personal game of "musical chairs."




I have known many consistently "victimized" people.  I'm not talking about a little girl whose nasty step father locked her in the closet - that's a real victim.  I'm talking about the person that nothing ever goes right for, or its always someone else's fault.  Do you know that person?

The "victim" appears to be the one everyone should feel sorry for, after all he/she just can't catch a break.  I've looked into reasons why people appear victimized, and most times it is of their own doing.  "My boss is so mean"  the victim says. Take a minute to check the other side, Proverbs says that the first person to speak seems right until you hear the defense. So look at the boss, the boss may say, "this person is habitually late, takes too much time off, or stirs up strife among the other workers."  

By being the late person, the person who is unreliable, or the person who stirs up strife, now the "victim" has become the "perpetrator."  We usually don't see the "perpetrator" side of the victim because the victim is so nice... She shows up with cupcakes for the entire class, or he comes to help you move, or they are so much  fun to be around - that's the "rescuer" chair, I think the most fun seat of all.  

People live like this, switching seats habitually like clockwork. How to recognize a PV: These are true statements, "I volunteer in my kid's class (rescuer), but the teacher is still mean to child (victim), so one day I'm going to catch her in the parking lot and let her have it (perpetrator)." OR  "My step daughter came to live with us, but we are still paying full child support, then my husband got laid off with 200 other people, now I have to have a major surgery."  Can you see the difference between the first and the second?

PV's usually tell you what you want to hear, rely on half truths, or flat out lie.  They want to believe the worst about everyone which usually makes them a professional gossip.  They position themselves to know everyone's business.  The PV is usually the first to pick up another "victim's" causes.  The PV will always root for the underdog.  In fact, the PV may "perpetrate" to make the "victim" just so they can sit in the "rescuers" seat.

Being in the ministry it is so easy to fall for the PV, and to become like them.  Beware of the PV, they rope you in with their sad story.  They make you feel good by praising your rescue efforts, then they become a perpetrator and bite the hand that is feeding them.

I've learned to be cautious if someone comes to me with a sob story.  I tend to watch another part of their life.  Is this person always at the short end of the stick?  The real person to be wary of is the one who has been horribly treated by an organization or group or person of authority.  Not all are PV's, but be careful, don't join anyone's game until you know the truth.  I love the statement, "There are three sides to every story; his, hers and the truth."

I had one of my dearest friends playing PV musical chairs.  We would love to hang out together.  Sometimes I even played musical chairs with her.  Pretty soon she would "victimize" herself in her mind, where I became the "perpetrator" and go somewhere else to be "rescued".  Then she would pull the same musical chair act with that person, and so on until she worked her way back to me.   Why did I put up with it?  I think because I enjoyed the time we spent when not playing musical chairs. 

I decided that the price is too high to pay.  Those fun moments not playing musical chairs with her are not a valuable use of my time and energy.  Even though I knew it was coming, it still hurt when I was made to be the perpetrator, and I had to put myself back together each time.   Staying in that relationship is a form of self sabotage that I no longer can afford.  My time playing musical chairs is up.

If I am to "love my neighbor as myself"(Mark 12:30), I am going to have to love myself enough to not allow toxic relationships with my neighbor.  I can love my neighbor from afar, but that is how it is going to have to be.  And if I sound like I'm preaching to myself.  I am.

K