I know God loves me. I forget how immeasurable His love is. I forget how incredible His love feels. If I'm not having an epiphany moment or gush of spiritual abundance, its easy for me to forget. I have to go back in memory to those times when I did "feel" love and have faith in that.
I know my husband loves me. After over 20 years, its given. He's not a gushing kind of guy. I didn't train him any differently either, so the blame is on us both. I don't expect a gift for our anniversary this month. Maybe a card. He doesn't care if he gets a gift, or even an acknowledgement. That kind of thinking is so foreign to me, but I guess there are people out there like that, I live with one.
I know my children love me. my little one tells me. I think my teen is a little too old for that right now. But I tell them how much I love them. I hope they know that I sincerely mean it.
I know my parents love me. They tell me. I know how they feel about their grown children and their growing grandchildren.
I am very fortunate, and very blessed. But why don't I feel that way?
Love isn't a feeling - it's an action or a state of being. I shouldn't have to "feel" loved to know that I am loved. But it doesn't work that way for me. I still need the feeling.
How do you get that feeling? I have no idea. I could reminisce about times past when I felt that way... that might bring the feeling back. I could tell someone I love them so that they would in turn repeat the words to me. I could ask God to bestow a special blessing of "feeling loved" upon me. Yes, I'm serious, you can do that, I have done that, and its worked.
My question now is, when. When will I feel loved? Will it hit me from out of the blue? Will I just warm up to it? And how long will it last?
I guess this is where I go on faith. The faith that what my "loved ones" have told me is true. The faith that what God has told me is still in existence. The faith that even though I don't feel it, it really is there.
It's been a year since a friend committed suicide. I don't know why, I know he was angry, I saw the warning signs. I know he felt boxed in and cornered. I can't imagine the terrible thoughts that he had to build up to the point he took a gun and shot himself. He was in his early 50's, leaving two high school kids, and a wife in the wake of his impossibility.
As I attended his memorial service at a historical church here in Riverside, the minister mentioned that in all of his years as pastor he had never seen the balcony opened. The service was standing room only. This preacher had never seen this many people in his auditorium before. He knew there were at least 800 in attendance.
I sat and thought, "if you only knew" ... for each of those 800 in attendance there were scores of people not represented. If he only knew. Could life have been so bad that there wasn't one person in that auditorium that loved him enough to help him through? Had it been so long that he had felt love that he only found one way to end is misery?
I know God loves him, and I know he loved God. I know God opened His arms and welcomed him to his eternal Home. Sometimes I want to go to my eternal home. It would be a lot easier than working so hard here on earth. But I know I am loved. And I know that I love.
I am loved, and I love. So I keep doing what I am doing. When I get down I think of that auditorium filled with people, and know there is someone that can help me through.
How do I know I am loved? I don't feel it. It's not always said. But I know God loves me, and I know that I love, and I know that love is being returned, whether I feel it or not. I have to take it on faith, and just know it.
Now go tell someone you love them.
KM 11/7
Hi Kristi,
ReplyDeleteApparently I can only type around 4,000 characters. And so when 4,001 words were typed, your blog said I blabbed too much. So I saved what I wanted to say here on a word document and will send it in 2 comments.
P.S. I love you
Kristi,
ReplyDeleteHey!It's me Lisa. I have to let people know that I am around and have not
evaporated. I love your blog and I love the fact that you are probably
saying something that others are thinking as well to some degree. I
don't say a whole lot and I was actually tested as a kid to find out
why I didn't talk alot. Turns out that I can express myself quite well.
Gosh....how do I know I am loved? Well, considering I spent the
majority of my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood feeling so
unloved and not lovable, it wasn't until I was in my mid 30's that I
knew I was loved. There was not alot of bonding or affection in my
home. Unfortunately, I feel my Dad treated my mom very poorly and he
referred to her as the wife. So, I didn't have a good idea of how a
married couple was supposed to show love to one another. My brother
left home shortly after he turned 16. I don't think he knew what love
was about because he has been in several relationships and currently,
he is with someone I hope he will stay with forever. Kid #2 is on the
way. Phil met me when I had just started into counseling on December 4,
1984. He got me along with all my emotional baggage. I could have been
poster child for terminally messed up kids. I knew I loved Phil because
he represented something I never had before: stability and peace. I
didn't know how to live in that environment. If something wasn't
chaotic, something was wrong. I have to laugh in Satan's face when I
see just how far I have come. 1 1/2 years or so when I was going to
Bethel before I met Phil was a learning experience for me.
I just knew
ReplyDeletesomething was going to happen...something was going to go wrong.
Everything seemed normal...as far as normal can be. However I defined
normal at that point in my life. I just looked at your Mom and Dad.
They looked normal. Except they were not screaming and waving their
fists at each other. Objects were not flying through the air. I used to
feel like I was living in freaking outerspace the way my Mom through
things. Ha Ha. I really questioned if what I was seeing was true. Cause
it seemed too good to be true. I said..."okay...whatever. It must be
true...." My idea of what was normal was definately being questioned
now. I thought, "Well this is nice....looks like they might actually
love each other....I don't know....cause I can't tell." I am sorry to
say but I was suspicious. I really didn't know. You can't know these
things if you haven't experienced them. I had to totally be renewed
from the inside out. The day I decided to deal with abuse issues in
counseling was the day the battle began. Something had to change
otherwise I could not remain here on earth. I did not want to live as a
unhappy, miserable, frightened, angry, bitter and last but not least,
depressed person. I asked God to help me not hate my Dad for the lack
of love he never had for me. I asked Him to help me forgive him for the
abusive childhood he gave me. I asked Him to help me not hate my Dad
because he was unfaithful to my Mom. When he became HIV+ and developed
full blown AIDS, I asked God to heal Him. He did not heal him, but I am
OK with that. Before my Dad died, I asked God to somehow save him from
going to hell...I know my Dad was reaching out to God because he was
watching TBN and he was reaching his hand towards the heavens. I know
he was reaching out to God. I know that God heard him.
Which gets back to how do I know I am loved? It was a constant renewing
of my mind. With every negative I learned to apply what God has said
about me. If I am not mistaken,in elementary algebra, a negative plus a
negative equals a positive. You need to take something negative and
something else that was negative....apply God's word and it becomes
something positive...whether or not you believe it. I know I am loved
because God first loved me. I don't have to always feel it but
sometimes it is just nice TO feel it. My faith and trust in God helps
me to know that despite my past, my future is safe and secure and in
His hands. Knowing this has given me such a peace and calmness in my
life that I was never really sure I would know. God made it possible
for me to attend Loma Linda University School of Nursing. I said if I
go to school one more time, it must be in a Christian university. I am
due to graduate June, 2010. I chose a scripture which so perfectly gave
me strength and courage during the past couple of years: "For I know
the plans I have for you, says the Lord, "plans for good and not for
evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 I am now
considering graduate school and if it wasn't for the love of God poured
out from His people at Bethel, I would not be where I am today. I truly
and sincerely love your Mom and Dad, you and Jeff and Ronda and Mike.
What has happened in my life is proof of what God can do in the life of
someone. I know I am loved:-)
Hey Lisa, I just found this. Thus my techno challenged blog. This is an awesome thing to share. You are a truly blessed individual. When I talk to Phil, he refers to you as "the wife", but I know its tongue in cheek with all of the love he has for you. God blessed you with Daniel being healthy, unlike the drs. predicted, I recall your faith in that instance, and it hit home so closely because I was pregnant too. I have a great respect for you and your constant determination to complete your schooling. I know you've been nursing a long time, and I know your rewards in heaven are huge for all the good work you have done.
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