My battle with Depression 1

I think it was October of 2000 when the MD PhD specialist at USC told me I had post-partun depression. I laughed because my baby was 18 months old. How could that be possible? She then proceeded that I was suffering from sleep deprivation and my body was shutting down. I was confused, but finally, someone had a new thought.

I had spent the last 2 years in constant pain. I had been to every doctor possible from Riverside to Loma Linda. I had been poked, prodded, examined from end to end, and no one had any idea what was wrong with me. The honest truth, my body was dying, and no one knew why.

I should have journaled this then, but I didn't. So now, to the best of my recollection, I am going to be as honest and upfront as possible about my battle, a battle I still fight today with depression.

I see the commercial for some medication that says, "depression hurts..." and every time the woman asks the questions, I answer her. Why do I talk to a commercial, because unless you've lived it, you don't really understand it. When I say it out loud, I become more grateful for where I am in my journey.

Do I tell you the whole story? Do I start at the beginning, or do I just dive in and tell you where I was? I'll start in the drs. office at USC. My mother had driven me there, and we had gone to Olvera Street for taquitos. Of course I couldn't eat any because I couldn't tolerate eating. I think I might have had some rice and beans.

As we waited for the dr. I put my arm down on the lamp table and fell asleep sitting up. My mom was in shock and amazement. She had never seen me do anything like that before, but it was just one more surprising and unusual symptom of the sickness that was slowly taking my life.

Armed with all of my medical records I entered the very casual office of Dr. Epstein. As she looked through report after report, she said, "you have post-partum depression and are dying from sleep deprivation." What's that zip sound that you hear when you go a.. what? Come Again? Repeat? WHAT?

She proceeded to tell me that if I did not reverse my sleep patterns that I would die. Die? I didn't know anyone could die from sleep deprivation. But she asked me questions no one else had thought to ask. We found answers that no one else could find.

There was an answer to why my stomach was pumping so much acid that it was eating the lining in my esophagus. It would be why I was having pancreatic spasms. It would be why every part of my nervous system was slowly shutting down. I was anemic, but no amount of iron could fix it, I was malnourished, but I was normal weight. My thyroid had shut down, I was yellow, I was shaking, I was crying, and I was in pain.

I don't want to burden you with too much information, the details can be overwhelming. Here's the good news: most of this is completely reconciled. But the depression, I continue to deal with every day.

God is my source. Through everything I didn't lose my faith. I asked questions, I felt self pity, loneliness, and abandonment, but I never gave up on God pulling me through. I still fight the depression, but I know God is on my side, and it will subside, I'm just working through it, and being healed. Hopefully blogging will help bring an end to this part of the healing process.