Where Do I Belong?

Recently one of my children was asking me what I used to do at the church before I quit.   I started listing everything I did.  He said, "wow, you used to be important."  Yes, I replied, and I will be again.

In 2001 I had to quit everything.  All I could do was to focus on staying alive.  I gave up my job, my status, and everything I thought was important in life.

When I began my journey back I noticed that I felt like a stranger in my own home.   My children had been so well taken care of that I had to ease back into the rhythm of taking over the family.  It was the same with Jeff.  He had done so many things and covered so many bases for so long, that it was difficult to make the transition.

I felt even more a stranger at church.   I felt I had no purpose.  I felt that I had nothing to contribute.  There were so many new people, and so many others that didn't understand my illness, and thought I had fallen off of the face of the earth.  It has been difficult to regain my footing regarding my job, my status, and just plain going to service.

I love WWII stories.  One story that has fascinated me is when the GI's came home they didn't fit in.  Life had gone on without them.  Women were doing men's jobs and enjoying it.  Some men who did not go to war were pushed aside for the "heroes".  Many GI's had post-traumatic stress disorder, but no one understood.  It was assumed that the "boys" would come home and life would resume as normal.  But it didn't.  "Normal" would never exist again for those men and their families.

It is as though I had been through war.  (I don't begin to compare myself to a war vet) I had fought for my life.  I had fought to maintain myself as a mother and a wife.  I had fought so hard and so long, that I really didn't realize when it was over.  I walked out one step at a time, but my life would never be the same.

I know many who have felt this way.  A friend who just went through a difficult divorce; a relative who had been through an extended illness; a serviceman who had been away.  I have watched them try to walk right back into their place, but their place no longer exists.

Life is constantly changing.  It is in motion, the world is still turning, children are growing, people care coming, and people are going, changes are happening.  The water is flowing under the bridge, and it is never the same water.  I know many who have asked themselves, "where do I belong?"

The answer is, at home.  You belong at home.  No, home isn't the way you left it,  it never will be again.  But you can find home.  Take the courage and find your niche.  There are so many that love you, want you, trust you, need you .... It may be hard, but you will find where you belong.

There is no normal.  I will never be where I once was.  I will never feel the belonging I once felt before.  I have made a new place for myself.  I feel a new belonging, and it feels good.  I am carving out a new niche for myself, I like it, it's my new home.

KM